Thoughts About Being Pinoy

There are Pinoys who argue who is more Pinoy. I want to say that I am not one of those who argue about this but I do. I am embarrased to say that when I see someone who is usually second generation pinoy, I start judging them. I belittle their actions that I do not consider to be pinoy such as showing off and acting what Austin says is hood rich. Then I realize pinoys in the Philippines do act hood rich. Acting hood rich trancends race, countries, and cultures.

Austin's lolo said that the SU kids are stuck up thus acting Tagalog (I am Ilokano, which is a region in the PI while Tagalogs are from the capital. Thus, it's a regional rivalry). He is a proud Ilokano man although blood wise he is not but culturally he considers himself ilokano and values ilokano ideals. He is an interesting man. So then, we are in a discussion about how being pinoy mean different things depending on where your fanily grew up in the philippines. Then the issue is regional versus the philippines as a whole.

So why do we argue about it, whether out loud or keep it bottled in our head like I do? I think a possible solution is that those here are afraid of losing their link to the philippines and the culture that they need to rank themselves against others to make themselves feel better. Another possible explanation is that pinoys just like to compare everything. I grew up being compared to people. My actions were always compared to someone. That was how I knew where I fit in the social standing.

But why do I do it? Before I did it bc I was embarrassed with their actions like cutting class, smoking, having sex at early age. I did not want to be associated to them But I realized those vices trancend to other cultures too. Now I think I do it bc I can speak the language better than them. But I try not to do that anymore. I am going out with a fourth generation pinoy and I learned a lot from him. Most especially that he doesn't need to be first generation to understand me. The foundation he received are similar to mine and he understands the culture. If he doesn't, then he is wonderful enough to respect it and I am thankful for that. The more I interact with the second generation and those who have been here longer, I found that they are alright. They understand me better than I expected and vice versa. However, the stuck up pinoys are still here so I try hard not to deal with them too much. I have great pinoy friends and I am surprised that I am friends with this many because until college, I was under the impression that all pinoys who moved to America lost their Pinoyness. In middle school and high school, I was not friends with one except Ahlem (who was gay but I didn't know that). They told me I wasn't pinoy enough bc I didn't join their gang or participate in their misdeeds. The audacious nerve that they had. At that point I was still a newbie and well protected from being americanized by my parents. So I was more pinoy than them. But now, I think we are on the same level. It is sad and good at the same time.

It's sad because I fear that I am slowly losing my culture. On the other hand, I plan on being an American for the rest of my life and I do not want to fight it. I love being American but being American slowly erases my culture and my past. It's a constant discussion between Austin and I because he is fourth generation but I'm first generation. In him, I see what will become of my great-grand children and although I love Austin just the way he is, I can't fully accept yet that my future generation will most likely not look, speak, and eat like me. Culturally, the PI will be foreign to them and it'll only be through luck that they'll probably visit the PI. The PI will always be alien to them. I fear that my future generation won't be proud to be Pinoy and won't understand what it means to be Pinoy. If my kids are anything like me, they'll most likely marry someone who isn't pinoy because they will like to try different people from different backgrounds.

I wonder if it's possible that I'll get a red-headed great-grand child?